And I sit here at a birthday party making mix playlists because I plan to burn CDs for a few friends. I have been in love with music for as long as I can remember. The guitar, the kick drum, the range of a voice. It’s all so beautiful and can be constantly made into new sounds. A single song can make my whole entire day. It can say what I couldn’t get out for months. It connects with my soul. I cannot explain where my heart soars exactly when I am surrounded by music, but I am completely lost in all of it. Lost in tracks of worship. Lost in sound waves, but I’m not drowning, I am… Alive. Nothing lights my fire for God quite like music. I feel Him hugging me as I sing to Him. The sound goes into my ears, ties a knot around my heart, and moves down to my feet. It is unlike any other feeling. BUT THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS: There are so many ways to be in God’s presence, and I hope you find yours. 🎤
October 6, 2014 my life took a turn for the worst. I was thrown into a hospital for a week, all the while enduring needles, Ativan, and tests. There was something wrong with me, and we all wanted answers. I got diagnosed with PNES(psychogenic non-epileptic seizures) “I…. Have seizures”? I thought. Is it genetic? “No ma’am, they are brought on from stress. You have something psychologically hurting you that needs to be dealt with” a nurse told me. But, I am just a normal girl, going through college, work, sweat, and tears just to have a successful future. I didn’t ask for this sickness. Psychogenic seizures, huh? I had to quit my job, stop driving, see a psychologist once a week, and strip myself of what little independence I had. This is not happening. My life was just beginning.
I developed depression to comfort my anxiety. I went on ambien to give me rest. I cried and cried until I felt sick to my stomach most days. Television became my distraction from the reality that was now my life. I wanted to believe I would get better, but I got lost. I had lost my way. As I looked around, I no longer saw God. Where was His presence? Did I blame Him? Of course I did. I was angry. Hurt. And not who I used to be. I ran away. I kept living by what I felt. I blamed myself. When I realized it was I who let go, tears filled my eyes. But, THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS: No more, God. No more. I am back, and I am yours. You are here. You are holding me now. You took my pain, my anxiety, my depression, my fear, and gave me hope. I am free. I never thought I would stray. But life without You is… Not for me.
I need His strength. And all He asks for is my time. I need His forgiveness. And all He asks for is obedience. I need His love. And all He asks for is my heart.
It is His.
Typical Friday night. Everyone fends for themselves when it comes to dinner. Everybody is exhausted from the week, so we go our separate ways. Movies, popcorn, pickles, laughs, and social media.
I was sitting on the recliner when I decided to get on Instagram. I check it quite a lot. For some odd reason, I felt like reviewing my profile for old times sake. I hadn’t been in awhile, so as I started going through it, I noticed something awful. There were way too many headshots!!! My face plastered everywhere. I continued scrolling and nothing seemed to change. I was horrified. I had become one of those annoying people who post way too many selfies. This made me really sad, because I thought about how many times I could of turned the phone around. There is so much to see in this big world, and I chose to repeatedly show my face! I like my face. I like to think it’s pretty darn cute, but I am pretty sure my friends and family are well aware of what I look like.
So, I did some spring cleaning. I decided to take a lot of pictures down. Mostly the ones of just myself. Those aren’t memories. A picture is for future reminiscing. Ones that capture funny moments. Ones that give you a smile. Ones that make you cry.
I felt relieved as I deleted my pictures. That’s all they were. Pictures of me seeking for attention. I felt anxious when I would post a selfie, as I waited for compliments. I would base my self-worth on how many likes I got on each picture. But, THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS- perception. I try to remind myself everyday, that the way I see myself, is not the way The Lord sees me. I see pores. He sees purity. I see roots. He sees radiance. I see dirt. He sees a “clean” me. He took on what I couldn’t because His love is eternal, unconditional, and unlike any others.
I got a makeover today, and I feel beautiful.
I love the idea of meeting Taylor Swift. She is amazing in so many ways. Her writing skills are insane, and mind blowing at times. She has been the girl on the scene for nearly 10 years now and she does not know when to stop! I remember hearing her second single on the radio, and me being the hopeless romantic that I am, fell in love once again. I could definitely relate to “Teardrops On My Guitar”. She is why I wanted my very first guitar. I had a similar story. I too, had a huge thing for my best guy friend as a freshman and yes, he had a girlfriend. It was quite sad, while I watched them flirt at her locker EVERY DAY. He had the best smile I had ever seen and reminded me of a hybrid cross between Taylor Launter and Cam Gigandent. Two total hotties who were the talk of my diary. (lol) Just as I had got my first real boyfriend in high school, my best guy friend admitted to liking me too while in a relationship. It made me wonder why he waited for the break-up to confess his love… Clearly, he was too late, and it was a complete nightmare I probably would relive again. Why??? Well that moment taught me a thing or two about life. Life is about taking chances over and over again. Because you really never know when the next one will come. If I would of come out and told my best friend how I really felt, maybe he would of left his girlfriend for me. Or maybe I was just the closest thing to a rebound he could think of? Perhaps he followed the path of all men, and them living by a philosophy called MWWOMH.(Men want what other men have) Am I brilliant or what?! As life went on, he married young, and me? I am engaged to the cutest man alive. I like to believe in a thing called love. It woos you. It takes all of your breath away. It can make you feel like you are floating on cotton candy dream clou-Sorry for being a girl! This post was going to describe why I loved Taylor Swift, but as you can see, it took a sappy turn. But, THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS- Inspiration comes from God, Himself. After all he created me and you. And I am so happy I can experience the art of being inspired on a daily basis. It comes at the most oddest of times. This one struck while I stared at my betta fish happily swimming around to the sick beat of Taylor Swift’s rap in Shake It Off.
I need to scream. But I can’t. My heart longs for purpose. I feel empty. I try and try to find meaning, but I just want sleep. Every morning I open my eyes, the countdown begins to when I can close them once again.
I fear that I might not recognize happiness. Where is she? The girl who loved the sounds her guitar made. The girl who felt God next to her with every step she took. The girl who only saw the good in people. Well, maybe it comes with adulthood, this new outlook of mine. I want so badly to move on from this stage. Following my mother around, having no money of my own, and absolutely no sense of direction towards the future.
I am ready for the next chapter. To work, to be married, to have as many fur babies as I want, to be a mommy. I want the taste of separation. I don’t know how much longer I will have to wait, but I pray it’s fast. That’s all life ever seems to do, is fly. Fly so fast, you blink and tremble at the whiplash.
But, maybe the turtle life is key. Living life moment to moment, and embracing the slow pace. Taking time to enjoy the scenery and rest in its beauty. Because THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS: Choosing. The choice is completely yours and only yours. Whether you walk or run depends on your two feet and ability. The season I am in is just that. A season. Temporary until the next one. God knows why I am here, and when it will be over. His soft whisper tells me to hold on to His promises. To not lose heart. To never fear for I am not really ever alone.
It’s good to be back! I was… on vacation! Believe it? Don’t. I was not on a tropical getaway, but my mind decided to take a trip. I’m sitting here catching up with it as it fills me in on the new things it discovered while away. It’s crazy, how us humans change and change like the days and nights do. No, this is not heading towards a One Direction song(please resist the urge to sing the chorus of Night Changes). Even though we like to believe we will always remain who we were born to be, we don’t. We won’t. We CANT. We endure heartache, we sing new songs, we fall in love with not just people anymore, but the burger in our hands.
I woke up today, and smiled in the mirror. I am 20 now. I never thought I’d say that. I am twenty. The age where I thought magic would take over and give me a knight in shining armor and a grand castle to live amongst puppies and the love of my life. But, I am twenty and there is no sign of that. I greeted myself with a faint smile, for I knew the truth. I’m not the little girl who used to run to daddy’s arms. I’m not the little girl who used to dread the night. I’m not the little girl who used to cry when she fell. But THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS: I am new. I am a brand new woman in the arms of The Lord. He made me who I am today, and encourages growth. He has my whole life planned out and is just sitting back watching it unfold. I did not expect the speed bumps I have been given recently, but am still grateful for the warnings. The road is small, and is only lit in front of me, but I know Who’s driving. 😉
I’m accepting that in this moment in time, I am ill. For a very long time I kept it to myself, but I’m not ashamed anymore. This was a difficult year for me, but THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS that God has never let go. It was I who drifted, and allowed my pride to get in the way. What I am going through is very real to me, but not bigger than the God of the universe. I am finding the best ways to cope with stress that work for me. I am trying so hard to eliminate negativity from my life. It’s a process, but there’s not just a light at the end of the tunnel, there is The Lord of All waiting for me with open arms. He is my only hope. I may be crawling, making my way back to Him slowly, but He’s patient. The world will try to give me peace, but I know deep down that God can only grant me His rest, His peace, and His victory. I have to remember that no hurt is ever wasted and that Jesus dying on the cross was for me. He is MORE than enough. Every heartache, tear, and pain is to bring Him glory. I know He will give me a new strength and I will overcome this battle.
I saw the finish line and did not look back. If looking forward meant fear of facing the past or having hope in the near future, I had both. I just kept breathing and running. Running and breathing. I didn’t care who was around me. All that mattered was my concentration. When I fell, I fell hard. It hurt worse to know the reason for falling was myself. My knee skid against the pavement and yet no sound could escape my mouth. I wanted a redo. Just another chance to prove I was better than that performance. The hard truth was that I was not ready for this race, and that alone sank in deeper than me standing face to face with failure did. Having thought I lost, I shook off the dust and stood up anyway because THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS: God’s will. I went in prepared and thought I was going to walk away with my license in hand, but God knew that was my plan, not His. I didn’t like the route so I yanked the wheel. But what did that teach me? God is in control. ALWAYS. Trust Him. Everything that goes on, good OR bad, is not for us. It’s stepping stones to His grand, beautiful plan that we may NEVER understand. All I can do is pray, practice, and keep my head up for next time!
As I started college this year, I’ve faced a huge amount of testing. Not academically, but in my spiritual life. I found myself on my knees more than I have ever been. I found that some nights, I had no words, but tears as my prayer. It’s comforting to know that God chooses to test me because He knows the depths of my heart. He’s preparing me for His work, even when I can’t see it. I think it is always easier to want to go with your plan, and your own time. I am at a point in my life where everything seems so scrutinized, but THE BEAUTIFUL THING IS- love. God says don’t try to be someone you are not. God says I’ve made you perfect. God says be still and know that He never lets go. Wherever you may be, whatever you may be going through, God is loving you right in the middle of it.